My Fearful Self

I used to see myself as a fearless girl, the girl who wasn't afraid of anything that could happen to her (only afraid of what could happen to her siblings!). I thought that being good at something would take time and practice (and it does) and if I was having trouble doing it, then I just hadn't done the right amount of practise yet. But I have come to realize that sometimes it wasn’t about needing more practise, it was about being scared of the next level. I would tell myself "I'm not scared of anything that could happen to me, I just need to spend more time at this”. But that wasn't it at all. Sometimes I would hold myself back and let my fear control me.

Here is the story of how I have come to realize that:


This winter, my whole family went skiing at a resort. It was kind of like a village, but we were right on a mountain. We were there to ski, but I didn’t know how.


So the first day me, Noel (9) and Joseph (11) were in lessons all day learning how to ski. The teacher took it slowly. She taught us one thing at a time. We started on little hills, then went to bigger hills. Even though all day we were progressing to bigger hills, the boys kept saying things like "Can't wait ‘til we're on our own tomorrow" or "She's holding us back!".


Of course, all my two brothers talked about the next morning was what trail we were going to conquer first. I realized I wasn't as ambitious as they were. I wasn't sure why, so I just put it out of my head.


When we went to go on the ski lift that second day, the guy in charge of the ski lift told me I couldn't go on because my tag wasn't working; I had to go get a new one. As I turned to leave, Joseph and Noel said "Can we go up without you?" I told them that I didn't like the idea of them skiing without someone watching them and I would be back soon.


But it took a lot longer than I thought to get a new one.


Frustrated with waiting, the two boys decided it wouldn’t do any harm to go up without me. (Typical.)


I came back to the ski lift and they were gone. I started worrying.


Were they waiting for me at the top of the hill?


Were they just about to come down the hill?


What if they had decided to go on a different trail?


What if one of them had hurt himself?


Were they running around the village looking for me?


And finally: What the heck was I going to do now?


I decided that the most likely scenario was that they had either gone down without me a few times and were now waiting for me at the top, or they were on their way down.


I decided to go up on the ski lift and watch for them below on the hill. If I saw them, I would call to them and make them wait for me.


I kept telling myself "I'm not scared of this hill! I'm only anxious because something could have happened to my brothers!" Well I went up the hill on the ski lift and watched for them, but couldn’t find them anywhere. (Little did I know I was looking at the wrong trail!)


When I got to the top and got off the lift, I was more scared then ever. "Where are they? What do I do now?" I thought to myself.


I wanted to stay up there and wait for them to find me, but by this time I knew that they would be looking for me at the bottom. I had to go down. Alone. Without anyone. So very slowly I skied (or really, slid) down the hill, not thinking to make nice turns or even keep my skis nicely side by side for that matter. I just kept repeating under my breath “Got to get down, got to get down.”


I fell. I rolled down part of the hill. I got covered in snow. I lost a ski.


When I finally stopped rolling, I took off my second ski (so I could run back up the hill to where my first ski was and collect my other one). I tried to put it on but I was in the middle of a steep section and kept sliding. I trudged down the steep section to a flatter area so I could get it on. By then I had a lot of snow on my boots and my silly skis, so it took me a few tries to get the snow off of everything so that I could click in. It took a long time. I was already hot and tired.


They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. I was temporarily insane.


So in no time, there I was again, a big ball of fear rolling down the hill. This time both skis fell off. People were starting to look at me like: "Lady, if you can't ski then what are you doing here?"


I would just look back at them like: "I don't know. I must be crazy."


“I didn't know the trail was so hard! Where were those monkey-brothers of mine? Were they starting to worry about ME? I was starting to worry about ME!”


I got back my skis and tried to put them back on.


Of course, they were covered in snow, and I was in the middle of yet another steep section. I was tired. I didn't want to have to go through that mess I had to go through before to get my skis on. Worst of all, I didn't know how many more times I was going to fall. And lose my skis. And have to go get them. And have to put them back on. And have to try to ski another steep section. Just to fall again.


Now I knew I was scared. I realized that I had been scared all day. And maybe even starting the day before. I was scared of skiing down big hills. I was scared of going fast. I was scared that if I went downhill and started going fast, then I wouldn’t be able to stay in control and that I would have a bad bad fall and get really hurt. I was scared to die on that hill. Alone.


I really didn't want to be there anymore.


I started thinking about walking all the way down the hill, but knew that it would take hours to get down.


There had to be a better way.


Then I remembered everything I had been hearing about control, not only the day before in ski lessons, but everything I had been taught in figure skating as well. Was the reason I was messing up because I had no control?


I knew how to be in control; I had been figure skating for so long. And I had had some control the day before, in lessons.


I realized that I was giving all of my focus to my fear, and not really focusing on skiing well. Maybe I could overcome my fear and focus on control and form.


Deep down, I wanted to be able to ski. I wanted to go find Joseph and Noel. I decided that I would try again but, this time try smarter.


So I did put thoses skis back on. I pushed off down the hill, careful to make every twist and turn perfectly (or somewhat perfectly). I started gaining speed and having a bit of trouble, but I was on my way down and determined to reach the glorious bottom.


And that's how I finally got down.

I found my brothers who were waiting for me and told them not to leave like that again.


They told me that they had gone down the hill a few times then decided to wait for me, at the bottom. By then I was already lining up for the ski lift. Ready to try again. Ready to go fast. Downhill. Better. Ready to push past my fear, remember my lessons, and make it to the next level. (Preferably better than my brothers.)


Now I have a new way of learning. I call it "Best effort even when scared to bits".


This means that whether I’m scared or not, I’m going to try to keep my cool and try my hardest in everything.
And it works! Not only did I have a great time skiing for the rest of the trip, I just passed the next figure skating test!

Five things

Today is Thanksgiving.
Because Thanksgiving is about being thankful, I've been thinking of all the things I'm thankful for.  Doing that made me realize I love my life.
God has given me so much, but sometimes I can be negative and get down on life.
I will think to myself:
This is all wrong!
or
Life's not fair!
or
Why me?
When I calm down and get over feeling like that, I ask myself: How could you ever think like that?
I say to myself: This is how you  should think:

God's will be done.

 Life's not always fair, but it could be worse.

I'm God's servant;  I'll deal with anything he wants me to.

In short what I'm saying to myself is: Angele be grateful already! Start looking at the good, not the bad. Godlly women are grateful.  You have lots and lots of things to be grateful for.  You, Angele, need to be enlightened .
I hate it when I give myself a guilt trip, but it's true.  I can look at the bad before the good and that's just selfish and not what a godly woman would do.

Here's how I'll be enlightened:
There is a monastery in the East that requires the monks to begin each day by thinking of five things they are grateful for. It's a good way to keep perspective.  "Gratitude will not allow itself to share a space with any other negative feeling." (Fr.Meletios)
I'm going to do like the monks:
Every day I'll say five things about what I'm thankful for (trying to think of new things each time).

Here is my list for today:

• That my big brother came back home for Thanksgiving.
• That I have a blog.
• That my mom's a good cook.
• That God will always forgive me for being selfish.
• That I have a warm home on a cold day like today.

Here's a quote my mom tought me:

Before enlightenment:
Oh, the sorrow... chop wood, carry water.
After enlightenment:
Oh, the joy... chop wood, carry water.


I like that quote because it's a nice reminder to stay joyful, embrace life and have an attitude of gratitude for all that God has given me.



Hope you liked this post!
If you have somthing to say about this post or have any ideas of what I can blog about next please tell me!
God bless,
             Angele

"In the world" yet "not of the world"

I've been reading about St. Kathine Drexel as some of my school work.  I wrote a small report from a question I was asked after reading about St. Katherine's life.  The question was: How did the Drexal famliy stay "in the world" yet remain "not of the world"?  Here's my answer:

There are many evils, like greed, anger, selfishness, laziness, jealousy and more that can overwhelm the good in a person, if that person allows.  St. Katherine Drexel and her family didn’t let the good in them be destroyed. By staying focused on God with lots of prayer and charity, the Drexel’s were “in the world” yet remained “not of the world”.

Francis Drexel  (the father of St. Katherine Drexel and the rest of the Drexel family) gave a strong example of prayer and its importance and his wife Emma Drexel (the mother) gave a strong example of charity and how to put it into action. With these lessons, St. Katharine Drexel went on to build schools and funded them for Native Americans and people of color.

Francis Drexel took prayer very seriously and kept his family focused in prayer.  He made sure that every evening was set aside for prayer, no matter how busy they were.  After work, Francis Drexel would go into solitude to pray for an hour each day.  His family knew not to bother him.

Francis Drexel’s wife Emma Drexel was just as determined to keep the family “in the world” yet remaining “not of the world”.  Emma Drexel believed in putting her faith into action. She also believed that the wealthy should help the poor, and the Drexel family was very wealthy. She ran an agency of her own three days a week; she found jobs for people, befriended the sick and supported the destitute.

With all this, it’s no surprise that Katherine Drexel became St. Katharine Drexel.  St. Katherine Drexel learned from the main virtues of her parents: prayer and charity.  With charity they conquered greed, selfishness and even laziness, and there is no evil that prayer cannot conquer. Emma Drexel died in Febuary of 1883.  Shortly after, Francis Drexel also died, in the year 1885. Although the Drexel parents died early and left their children early, their lessons and example did not.  Because of this, all of the Drexel children remaind “in the world’ yet “not of the world” until the end of their days.

And as for me, I've decided to try this myself.

 I already say my prayers, but I would like to begin praying more often for specific intentions.  I believe that I can really help by praying for:

• 
  
  my famliy.
• 
  
  my friends.
• 
  
  the end of abortion, that it comes SOON.
• 
  
  fallen-away Catholics, that they come back to the Church.
• 
  
  those who have no one to pray for them.
• 
  
  My "Mr. Right" (whoever he may be).

That's prayer, and as for charity, I'm also working on finding places to volunteer.  (I think the nursing home in our neighbourhood needs help getting the residents to Mass.)  I'll let you know.

Hope you liked this post!

If you have anything to say or know something else I can blog about or maybe have ideas for my "things to pray for" list or what I should volunteer for, tell me!  Address it to: Angele.

God Bless,

               Angele

 PS: If you wont to learn more about St. Kathine Drexel, here's a link : http://www.vatican.va/news_services/liturgy/saints/ns_lit_doc_20001001_katharine-drexel_en.html.

                         

Shouting

There are some herbs and salts that help with aches and pains
-but not all aches and pains.
For example:
People do things that drive you crazy just to drive you crazy;
                                   or
Something happens that "ruins" one of your plans;
                                   or
You have to repeat yourself over and over again to get someone to listen.

Those are real aches and pains!
And herbs and salts can't help you with them.

Say you don't get a lot of sleep one night. You're already short on patience and something happens that irritates you.  Next thing you know you're shouting.
By the time you go to bed, you've calmed down.
If you're anything like me, you'll feel awful.  You'll wish you hadn't started shouting.  You'll feel sorry that you hurt someone with your shouting. You'll start thinking how awful you must have looked when you were shouting.  Thinking of that will make you feel sick.  Feeling like that stinks.

Shouting is really hard not to do.  When I get mad or upset I want to yell and shout.
But when you think of how awful shouting at someone looks, and how awful you are making that person feel, it really gets to you.
So that's why today I'm writing about shouting.

Today I was going to wear this pink sweater I love.  But when I was about to put it on, I saw a green stain on it.  I looked a bit more and I saw more green!  The green was on the sleeves and on the back; it looked awful!  Something had gone wrong in the wash.  It was beyond saving, so into the trash it went!
I really like that sweater and I was really mad! A few moments later, I was shouting at my brother.  When I calmed down, I had to apologize.  All for a sweater.
When is it worth it to shout?

Is it ever okay to shout?
I thought a bit about those questions.  Here's what I got:
It's never really a good idea to shout; shouting doesn't help! And really it makes things worse.
Sometimes people will understand why you're shouting and won't blame you, but still shouting doesn't help. 

So instead of shouting, when I feel upset, overwhelmed, disappointed or just in a bad mood, I'm going to make the sign of the cross.  It reminds me that God has my back and everything's going to be fine.
Plus I've tested it and it works!
Hope you liked this post!
If you have any ideas of what I can blog about or have something to say about what I just blogged about, please tell me!
God Bless,
               Angele

Work

When you're told to work, right when you were going to go do something else that you love, does it make you feel:
1. mad
2. happy
3. tired

If you picked 1 then you're a lot like me.
If you said 2 then YOU ROCK and I wish I was more like you!.
If you said 3 then I can so understand!.
If you said 1 and 3 then when it comes to unwanted work, you're just like me.

When I want to go blog, play, read or just sit down and then I'm told to go do some chore I can get pretty upset.
If you read my profile, you'll know that's the last thing I want.  So I've decided that this is something I really need to work on.
It's something that's in my way to becoming a godly women.

So more about work: in my house, each of the children have their own chores but my big brother is gone away to school and that means he can't do his chores.  So we had to split up all the work, which means I just got a lot more work.
 Now just thinking of what this school year will look like all I think is oh goodbye sweet Summer days when i had time to enjoy myself  because between school and work I'm going to have little time to myself.
But thinking "oh goodbye sweet Summer days etc." is not what a godly women would do, so I have to stop.

So here's how I'm going to do just that!,
When you do some kind of work out of your own-free-will to please someone, it makes you feel really good right? Well it's the same with me!.
So instead of letting mom remind me what to do or tell me what to do, I'm going to do it without being told. That way, I get 3 benefits:
1. Work will get in my way a lot less
2. I'll feel really good inside
3. I'll earn more in heaven
and that's a lot better than getting all upset!

And I also asked a priest about it he said,
 "you can always tell your mom how you feel, but keep in mind that Jesus gave everything for us so we should try to give it all to others".


Hope you liked this post!
If you have any ideas of what I can blog about or have something to say about what I just blogged about, please tell me!

God Bless,
               Angele

How my blog works

Hi again!
So the way my blog works is like this:
Every week I put a new post up and each post has a title about something I find to be in my way to becoming a Godly woman.

For example:

shouting
Shouting is really hard not to do.  When I get mad or upset I want to yell and shout.
But when you think of how awful shouting at someone looks, it really gets to you.
So that's why today I'm writing about shouting.



I'm also going to blog about books I think are good for teenage girls to read and other things. If you have any ideas about something I should blog about, then please comment and tell me!.

God bless,
                Angele